Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”