Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.