Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Never mess with a drunken pig.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey