Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

*weighs self after shaving

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Noted.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?