Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
tourist season
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.