Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.