Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“