“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”