“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.