“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn