Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

A little too much information.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!