Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Always the camel, never the toe.

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?