Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late