Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground