Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
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If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
