Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!