Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Ok who’s got my black socks?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My wedding will be open casket.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.