Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Called it
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.