“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.