“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.