“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.