Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer