Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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lol
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.