Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

😸

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses