Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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That’s a good costume, I hope.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.