Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

LMAO.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

This is a bad sign

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Toxic snake

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed