“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”