Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

never compromise your values

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.