why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Hank is one in a melon.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius