Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.