Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

ㅤ

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

handsome & gretel

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.