Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mood

Realize this:

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.