Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere