Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
2 years later
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Erm…
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.