[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[boss hands me some work]
ME: Oh no thank you
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool