@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

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@Sanbel11

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

@not_delicate

Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband:

@stephenjmolloy

[Interrogation room]
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
*hears music*
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
*runs outside*

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@TheQuietPsycho

CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy

@djdarrellripley

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

@SirEviscerate

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.