Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.