Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
U talkin 2 me?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
True.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
i will not be silenced
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.