Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
New skill unlocked
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
They grow up so quick
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue