Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
happy friday
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”