Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
#SCOTUS one-star review
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
With a text.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The French cow says MEUX…
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine