He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they鈥檝e been talking to me for too long.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we鈥檒l have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid鈥檚 story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
blade runner wouldn鈥檛 drive anything bc then he鈥檇 be blade driver y鈥檃ll are so stupid.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she鈥檇 sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it鈥檚 our anniversary tomorrow
I鈥檓 sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 馃槀 instead of 馃敟 on a sexy dm room pic.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i鈥檒l let you no.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? 鈥楥ause your husband鈥檚 out here acting like you don鈥檛 exist.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that鈥檚 not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren鈥檛 getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I鈥檓 going to need an ambulance.