“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.
Me: Trash bags?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Brunos are from mars, freddies are from mercury