why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Happy Thanksgiving
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ