why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*