Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You Might Also Like
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive