Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Family Celebrity
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.