Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down