Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You Might Also Like
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Effort made
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
What?
