why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
How do you like your Corgi?
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Breaking news:
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
