why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
That’s no pocket rocket.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
How actors in movies eat their food
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Every house has this drawer
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
