The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
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“Pick a card….any card.” -impatient Hallmark employee
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Website: Make a password
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total