@JustinMcElroy

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

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@shanethevein

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

@jonnysun

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

@DrakeGatsby

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

@aotakeo

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total