why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
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Mood.. 😂
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I feel seen
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.