Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!