Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

“Theirye’re” problem solved