Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’m not proud
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
From Facebook just now…
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Cinema or bowling
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.