Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.