Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops