Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.