Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
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Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.