Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“Wait, let me explain..”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I put the h in mysterious.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
And they lived apathetically ever after.