Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
You Might Also Like
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.