At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
my proudest tweet
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York