Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family


I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.


A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”


• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.


I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.


A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.


old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame


ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.


Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.