@hazelmotes1

Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

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@TheCatWhisprer

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

@UpDocInc

I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.