Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Me too

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

“What?”
– Jude

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.