Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!