WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀