Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky