Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

How software testing works

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.