Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
How dude HOW?!
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it