I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth
Does the “Dirty Dancing” lift to the pizza delivery guy.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.
The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.