@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

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@HehBuddy

I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.

@ThatAdamKid

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

@tweetsbyrocket

the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins

monica:
chandler:
joey:
the monkey:
rachel:
phoebe:
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth

@TheAlexNevil

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@aissalanis

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.