BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”