Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.