why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?