why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My wedding will be open casket.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.