Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active